Once upon a time, there was a magical gingerbread man who lived in a house made entirely of sugar. Then, one day, rich Grosse Pointers came and demolished the house and took apart the sugar bricks and crushed them into their original cube form, for usage in flavoring their overly expensive coffees from Starbucks. The Gingerbread Man’s name was Amadeus. And so Amadeus was left homeless, with no furniture, clothing, heat, food, or porn, nothing. And when I say nothing, I mean nothing. Zip. Nada! Zilch. He was all alone and friendless in this cold, cold world, without even a job or any money to his name. Yes, he was even without porn. The poor, poor guy. He must truly be pitied. So one day, seeing Amadeus in all his suffering, I decided to put him out of his misery, and ate him.
Special thanks for the inspiration of this bio go out to Lauren Myrand and Lizzy Whalen.